Scorpion Slayer

We live in the desert. We are invading their home, they are not invading ours.

These tree-hugging statements are ringing in my ears when I complain about the creepy scorpions lurking in our home. I say B.S. I pay the mortgage. Last I looked, scorpions are freeloaders and terrorists.

They resemble minuscule, evil lobsters. We often hear, they are good, they eat the bugs. Bring on any bug you like, I would rather live with any, well…except maybe the cockroach. Or… big, hairy wolf spiders. Or tarantulas. Ok, I just hate all buggy insecty things.

Scorpions sting with their long, prong-ended tail. They do not die after they sting, like a bee’s ultimate fate. They continue living after they have stung, you could call them the OJ of the insect kingdom. (Disclaimer: I know, I know, the word “allegedly” should follow, wink, wink.) They usually sting more than once, if the opportunity is still there.

We live in a deserty area right against the mountain, so we knew when we bought our home, that scorpions would be a part of our life. We had our house professionally sealed, which is where they caulk the foundation around the perimeter of your house to keep the little bastards out. Like The Pill, it is not 100% effective. In the past 2 weeks, we have had 3 INSIDE, where my innocent kids frolic barefooted. Two were dead, one, very much alive and creeping across our bathroom floor. This is how I usually handle it:

1. I begin to curse loudly at the vile creature. Like this will deter the thing. “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU MOTHER $#@%ER!!! GET THE F OUT!!!”

(P.S. this is the closest to cursing I have done thus far on my blog. I figure I need to work up to it. I’m trying not to offend the 2 readers that visit this blog, other than my parents, BTW, thanks for your support!)

2. Scream for Jerry. When he doesn’t respond, I get a shoe (This is a monumental decision that must be made swiftly. I cannot corrupt a new, cute pair, so I grab an old, last season’s pair) and violently squish the putrid guts out of the horrendous bastard so there is no sign of life whatsoever. I hope the mo fo suffered.

3. Become totally wigged out, Terminator-like, searching the tainted room with a flashlight, looking for friends and distant cousins of the horrid creature. Sometimes I leave the dead ones as a warning to other fellow scorpions: This could be you!

For I am the Scorpion Slayer, fear my last year’s sling-back and prepare to DIE, MO FO! DIE! I'm sure there is a better way to handle this. Any thoughts on how to improve my bug killing strategy?